Running From Myself
by PurpleGlassStarfish
Summary: The time has come. Farewells and goodbyes are inevitable. Can Carlisle say goodbye to her? Set in Breaking Dawn.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait! I have been away for a while, and I had no access to the internet, but I finished this story, and I'm working on a songfic, so that should be coming soon. I had a request to write a missing moment, or maybe something following the events of breaking dawn. I thought that maybe a missing moment **_**from**_** breaking dawn would suffice (hopefully). It's a moment when Carlisle and Edward leave to stay in the clearing, before the Volturi come. It's a sad goodbye between Carlisle and Esme. This will be in Carlisle's and Esme's P.O.V. I hope people like this… Second chapter will be posted soon. Please review, and if you have any suggestions for other stories, I will gladly take them. Thanks again!**

Carlisle P.O.V.

I've always loved the snow. The way it flutters down, almost like feathers from the clouds. The way it feels to be indoors, and watch it fall, while I'm sheltered from the cold. It always reminded me myself though, something I didn't like to be reminded of. Snow is cold, freezes hard as ice, threatens to kill, and is deceivingly beautiful. Nothing that doesn't describe me.

This snowfall is different. It's a sign, my death screaming at me. Not only my death, but everyone who holds a place in my heart, it's their death too. Everyone who has ever been a friend in a time of loneliness, they're going to be killed, because of a misunderstanding.

I should've known. I should've known that Irina wouldn't take this betrayal lightly. I should've known that eventually, the Volturi would get involved. I should've known that they would use this as an excuse.

I should've known that my family would die from this.

Maybe I did know these things; I just couldn't accept the fact that more tragedy could strike our lives. But in the end, it never matters. Because, we will fight for what we've worked for our entire lives, what we believe, what we deserve. Not only are we fighting for Nessie, but we are fighting for justice. Something, the Volturi have never heard of.

I'm not a fighter, but I will fight for the ones I love.

I do not fear my death, and I never had. Death itself is a bully. It's always teasing you, testing your strength, throwing itself at you from every direction. I do not fear it, I fear what it brings. Peace or fire, I know which one will choose me.

My family is my reason to fight, the reason I have stayed alive for so long, the reason I die. If anyone threatens to hurt them, I will take the pain, gladly. My life is the least I can give them for what they have done for me, yet I know it's not near enough. I could never give them what they have given me.

I'd be lost without every single one of them.

One stands out though, catches my eye, my heart. Her never ending love, the endless kindness, the pure overall beauty, it never fails to make me the luckiest man on to ever exist. Every single time I look at her, my eyes seem to become unresponsive, frozen in place. I sometimes consider that I'm probably insane, and I'm imagining the perfection of it all, but I'm always reminded I'm alive, that she's real, when her lips touch mine. I never feel so alive in those moments, so in love. My heart is powered by her. Without her, I'm nothing but stone.

"Carlisle." he said, appearing beside me, Edward's face thoughtful.

My back was against a wall in the attic, my knees bent and arms lightly resting on them. I don't remember sliding down to a sitting position, yet alone even coming up to the attic. I searched my memories, only remembering sitting in the living room with everyone else. I remember not being able to handle being there with everyone, I don't remember why though.

He stood there, hesitant to tell me what he wanted to say.

"We have to go." He said, determined, yet there was disbelief in his voice. "The snow, it's not melting." His voice was just above a whisper, contradicting his facial expression. These were words that I hoped would never be spoken, my nightmares coming to life.

"I know." I said, my voice no louder than his. As much as I wished I didn't know, it was inevitable. Alice told us they would arrive when the snow continues to stick to the ground. This scene was playing out in front of me. The time had come.

"You and I will have to stay in clearing for a couple days. We don't know how much time…" he trailed off. I mentally thanked him for not finishing that sentence. How much time? How much time till my family was slaughtered? How much time left did I have to hope that we could get out of this alive?

Most importantly, how much time did I have to say goodbye?

Goodbye was one of those words. Those words that carry too much meaning to bear, yet they could mean absolutely nothing. Goodbye is forever, or for nothing. Saying goodbye right now would be like indefinitely lighting myself on fire. Too much pain, too much hurt. Goodbye right now would mean forever. I couldn't say goodbye to my friends, to my family, and sure as hell I couldn't say goodbye to Esme. Never would I say goodbye to her, I just _couldn't_. I physically couldn't, I don't have the strength to do that.

I can't say goodbye to her.

Edward looked at me, his eyes speaking for him. He understood. He knew that I couldn't say goodbye to him, that it was too much. He didn't know because of his gift, he just knew me too well.

Would she understand?

Would my family understand why I couldn't say farewell? Would it hurt them if I didn't? I owe them a farewell; I owe them a thank you, and an apology. An apology for everything selfish I have done to them, a thank you for everything they have done for me. Could I even give them that? I am I selfish enough to say nothing? Death seems to enjoy beating me up, picking on my life, pushing me until I break.

I won't let that happen. I won't give death the satisfaction of my surrender.

"We have to go, Carlisle." Edward murmured. He stood up slowly, and quickly left. I tried to move, my legs seemed to weigh one thousand pounds. I slowly made my way downstairs, my ears tuning into the conversation taking place between everyone.

"I can't believe this…" I heard Amun mutter. "This is suicide, all of you. You are going to kill yourselves."

Silence followed his words, heavy breathing and a sigh.

"It's murder." I barely made out. Those words hit a nerve. I knew who said it, and that's probably why it hurt so much. She hadn't spoken about these things, or voiced her opinion in front of a crowd, not even in front of me. I heard heads move to look at her. Those words were the simplest, yet true, spoken in a while.

Her voice made it all the more heartbreaking.

"_I_ am not going to kill myself." She stated. I imagined her staring right at Amun, pushing those words into his mind. Her voice was saturated in hopelessness, grief.

Heads snapped up as they finally heard me on the stairs. They stared at me with sadness as I took the last steps down. I stopped, taking in their faces, scanning over every one of my friends and family, breaking down inside. This would be the last time I would see everyone together, the last time till they are all murdered in front of my eyes. I wouldn't have another chance to say something, anything, to explain how grateful I was for them, to say sorry, to say thank you. I've never wanted to cry this much. And I almost did.

I wanted to faint when my eyes reached hers. I felt my face morph into what was overwhelming agony. I've never felt so much pain before. Not from the transformation, or the times I saw her cry. I was looking at the most beautiful thing in the world, and in a few days, she would be gone. Gone from the earth, from the thing she loves the most, from her family.

She would be taken from me. Just like that. She would be killed for a misunderstanding, a lie, the truth, from murderous jealousy. Nothing could take my eyes away from her. For, I only had minutes left to stare.

Her eyes bore into mine, more sadness and pain washing over me. Everyone was watching us, and I didn't care. I knew that if I had only minutes left, which I did, this is how I would spend them. Staring at her, imprinting her face into my mind, so I would never forget it. I opened my mouth, wanting to say something, but my voice faltered. Instead, I just let my head decline, ashamed of myself. _I can't even tell her I love her?_

"Carlisle?" she whispered, her voice broke.

That was it. If I didn't leave now, I was going to break. I was going to let death get the satisfaction it so badly wants.

"I-I have to go." I barely choked out. After a moment of silence, I lifted my head, hesitantly, worried. My eyes met Esme's. Heartbreak, sorrow, desperation, realization, and then fear. She was scared.

And I couldn't help her.

I couldn't help her, because lying doesn't help. Telling her that everything was going to be alright, that no one would get hurt, that everyone will be together in the end, which would be the cruellest of lies. Because I know that she'd believe me. And then when the lies become reality, her heart would break. Because she would know that I lied to her, just so she would feel hope, when really, there is none.

"Edward and I will wait for them. Everyone else will join us when the date grows closer. There's no time…" I barely heard the last few words, myself. I was trying to keep my composure now. There's no time left, so why make her hurt more? Leaving would be the best decision. I couldn't take this any longer.

I glanced at her once more before I turned to leave. Silently saying what I hoped would suffice, hoping she could hear my silence, my thank you, my apology. I headed towards the river, my feet running away from where I wanted to be, with her. My jeans and t-shirt were covered in melted snowflakes, sending an unexpected chill through my chest. I ran faster, desperately trying to run away from the monster chasing me. The monster that had sentenced his friends to die, the monster that left his world behind, scared and alone. Running from myself was difficult.

I grew more and more desperate to leave that monster behind me, but he kept grabbing me by the collar, pulling me back into what was real. Every time, I would get back on my feet, more fearful than before, sprinting towards where I thought the clearing was. I was on a breakaway, the monster behind me, but catching up. I ran faster and faster until the clearing came into view.

I slowed down, the realization of the situation hitting me harder than before. I slowed down to a jog, forgetting the monster behind me, every step I grew closer to my grave. My eyes were locked on the field ahead of me, covered in sparkling snow. It seemed like the colour was washed out of everything. White, grey, and black, were left in their place. My dark red shirt stood out among the white expanse of snow. The wind began to howl, the snow began to plummet, the clouds rumbled overhead. Everything seemed to be screaming at me, cursing the ground I stood on. The monster pushed me to my knees, taking over me, sending pain to every inch of my body. I kept my mouth shut, my body still, as I fell on my side. I became colder every second, all the pain I've felt this past month began to beat me, leaving me speechless.

I lay there, slowly turning to stone. Everything I had kept covered, caged in, was escaping. My eyes watched the storm above, as I rolled on to my back. I was beginning to realize that death's plan would all play out, all in a matter of days.

~*oOo*~

Esme's P.O.V.

He left.

Watching him leave was like having your heart ripped out, slowly, with no mercy. I couldn't move. I wanted to reach out and grab his sleeve, to pull him back to me. The next time I would see him would be in days. The next time I would see him, there would be no time for goodbyes. I could not go to that clearing every day to see him, knowing that we would die there. It would be way too much. My family needed me here, Edward needed Carlisle there. We were always being torn apart. This tear hurts more than ever. In a few days, I would be gone, my family and friends would be gone, Carlisle would be gone.

And he left without a word.

I should've known not to expect a goodbye. He couldn't say it to his family. It would hurt him too much. I could see it in his eyes, as he walked down those stairs. His dark red shirt, black jeans, and tousled hair making him look so young, breaking my heart even harder. He scanned over everyone. I wasn't sure why he was so sad, at first. But I knew he wouldn't look at me that way, unless it was the last time. I knew he wouldn't stand there, with so much distance between us, gazing at me with so much of his compassion, if he was to see me again. I knew he wouldn't say goodbye to me.

I looked towards the glass door by which he left. I could see his fingerprints. Those fingers have saved me so many times, and I won't get a chance to hold them again.

I felt my body brace itself for the oncoming pain. It came with such force; it nearly knocked the breath out of me. I froze, remembering everyone else in the room. I would not show them what I was threatening to burst out of me.

I looked up to find everyone staring at me. All their faces were filled with worry. My family, Carlisle's friends, everyone had seen what had happened. I met Carmen's gaze. She knew how I was feeling. She knew how much I needed to see Carlisle, to say goodbye, I could tell that she knew.

I wanted Carlisle to lie and tell me that everything will be alright. I wanted to tell him that I would always be there for him. I wanted him to lie to me, and I wanted to tell him the truth.

"Go." I heard close by. I looked up to see Eleazar kneeling in front of me, taking my hand. "Go get him."

I moved my head, hoping it looked like a nod. I knew Carlisle didn't want me to follow him, it would be too much for him. I didn't want to be a constant reminder of what he was to lose. But, the one thing I refused to do, was leave him without a thank you.

I ran through the forest with desperation, I ran like I would never see him again.

The clearing appeared before me, and there he was. Lying down in the snow, his knee slightly bent, one arm draped over his stomach, eyes closed, mouth tightly shut like he was trying to keep back screams.

He was the definition of a fallen angel.

**A/N Thanks for reading! New chapter will be posted soon! Please review and suggestions for stories are very much welcomed! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Hi again! This is the second chapter for you all. Thank you to those who reviewed! It really is amazing that people seem to enjoy these stories. I kind of put the songfic on hold because I'm quite busy, but your requests will be written. Here's a suggestion of something to listen to when reading this, if that's what you like to do... It's called "The Sun" by Aidan Knight. This was the only thing I listened to when writing this, even though the title is quite ironic. It's a beautiful song and it really got me into the mood of the story. Anyways, please review! Thanks again! **

Carlisle P.O.V.

What is hope?

Hope is what you feel when you don't always know the answers, when there is that missing puzzle piece, that gap, that your imagination takes over. Your mind replaces the bad possibilities with the good, making us feel like there is always a something to look forward to, to believe in, when most of the time there isn't. At least that's my theory.

My theory has changed over time. At first, I believed Hope was something to cherish. After all, Hope had come to my rescue before. Then, Hope started to vanish. It was deceiving, a trickster. Not only was it failing me, but others as well. It took me a while to notice this, though. I probably had known long before I noticed. I just had something that I was clinging to.

That something was Hope.

Hope didn't like that I had uncovered its true identity, because not only was Death beating me senseless, but Hope was Death's accomplice.

At the exact moment I realized this, Hope joined in the brawl. I didn't dare move an inch, of my body. I left myself laying on my back, lying the way I had fallen. I couldn't feel my arms, my legs, my face. Nothing seemed to work. Nothing seemed to forgive me. Nothing seemed to care.

Hope had left me, and it might possibly kill me.

My eyes snapped open, to find that the rain had begun to fall. I stared up at the clouds, letting the rain drops fall on my face, concentrating on the numbness of where they fell. It wasn't painless numbness. There was still a sharp sting as the rain collided with my skin.

The clouds were swirls of black and grey, no light from the moon was to escape. _Would this be the calm before the storm? _I hoped not. But then of course, hope was not to be trusted.

The wind whistled through the forest. I felt like a little boy, lost and alone, waiting to be found. I closed my eyes.

_Alone._

~oOo~

It felt like years had passed, before I began to feel something. I never thought the monster would leave me alone, but like in everything else, fear resides. It quickly retreated from my soul, leaving me breathless. What it feared, I did not know.

A weight was lifted off my body. I felt like I could float away. Something must've cared enough to scare the monster away. Something must've cared enough to let me feel at peace, even if it was for a moment. Something must've cared enough to send an angel down to me.

I felt the pain sweep away, as she brushed my hair off of my face. I kept my eyes closed, begging for this moment to last forever. I heard the angel move beside me, as she lay down. I felt the slight connection of her arm to my chest as she moved it to a different location. I felt her breath on my lips.

I didn't open my eyes. I don't if know if I could. If I opened my eyes, the angel would go away. I was sure of it. She was a dream, and dreams never last forever.

She touched my eyebrow, a silent plea to open my eyes. I couldn't, they were locked in place. I tried again; it seemed they weighed a thousand pounds, each one pushing down on my eyes. I fought them, slowly opening, my eyes adjusting to the darkness.

There she was, her face so close to mine, tempting me to close the distance. To kiss away her worry, that was so evident in her eyes. I wanted nothing more.

But I couldn't.

Because I knew what that would do to me. It would crush my heart until it turns to dust, take all that I have. Because I knew, that it would be the last time, I would kiss her. Because I was selfish.

She wanted it. I could tell.

I wanted it. She could tell.

She leaned in closer, her hair falling around us. I braced myself waiting for the pain to begin. I could feel my eyes water, waiting for the storm.

The rain began to fall more aggressively around us. She met my gaze. She saw something, but what it was, I do not know. Her eyes filled with understanding. She understood what it would do to me. She knew what pain was to come. She knew that I couldn't do it. It would be like saying goodbye to her.

She knew me so well.

I knew her just as well. Her eyes gave her away. She was trying to hide her pain, hide it from me. She always did this. The wall she hides behind was built of glass this time. I could see right through it. She knew this, she was the architect. Yet, she continued to show me what it was she wanted to hide. She didn't turn away, or avert her gaze. She gazed at me so intently.

She was trying to tell me something. Her eyes filled with understanding, pain, longing. I lifted my hand to touch her cheek. I watched it as it made contact with her skin, then quickly moved my eyes to hers.

I could've burst into tears.

She gazed at me with light in her eyes. Just a glint of something. Something I hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. Something only she could create out of nothing. It made me desperate with envy. I needed whatever it was that she created. I had been deprived of it for so long. Her eyes began to water. Then the most beautiful thing happened. It would've been the subtlest of movements, but to me, it was like fireworks being set off, lighting up the pitch black, cloudy sky.

She smiled.

The smile was sad, but filled with hope. After I had lost all of it, she found it again. Made it good, transformed it into something undefeatable. She made me want it, made me envy her. I brushed away a drop of rain that ran down her cheek. For a second, it looked as if a tear had escaped from her eye.

She leaned in until our noses brushed against each other. Warmth filled my heart. _I can do this_. _Forget about what comes after_. I wanted to share that smile, to be happy with her. I could do that.

The moment her lips touched mine, my heart became heavy. It filled with every ounce of love I had ever felt for her. I wanted to make sure she knew this. I put my hands on either side of her face and kissed her again, this time I gave her my heart.

I had never felt so much sorrow, as she began to pull away.

She closed her eyes and began to pull away from me. I couldn't let her do that, not now. I needed to say something, to keep her with me, keep the monster away. _Selfish…_

I stood up with her, still holding her arm, eyes never leaving her face. She was the one who would save me from myself. She was the only one who could ever make me truly happy. She was the one I needed to let go. But, she needed someone stronger, someone who could keep her safe. She needed someone who wasn't so selfish.

_It's too late now._

_~oOo~_

Esme's P.O.V.

I stood up, not knowing what do. I came here thinking I could say a final thank you. But after kissing him, knowing that it could possibly be the last time I would, it killed me. His eyes had begged me to kiss him, and I wanted to, _so _badly. Seeing him lying in the snow, his face painted with agony, I had to do something. It was the least I could do. But there was something else. He was scared, bracing himself for something. I knew how to read him. He was scared. But that kiss…

_That _kiss…

I could feel my heart expand with overwhelming love. It felt like committing suicide, when I pulled away. I was clinging to him. The thought of letting go, scared the hell out of me. But that scared look in his eyes, that something that I had never seen in him, brought me back to reality. I was selfish for kissing him. It hurt him.

I stood in front of him, my clothes cold and soaked from the snow. He stood there, his hair brown from the rain. Everything about him pulled my closer. I wanted to ask him so many questions, but those questions would ruin me. His last memories of me would not be sad. I promised him that. But he doesn't know it.

His hand slid up my arm to my cheek. I automatically leaned into it, savouring the feeling he gave me, knowing that I would have to leave, making this moment last forever.

"It's not forever." I choked out, talking to myself more than to him.

He looked at me with love and envy, his hand still holding my face. We stared at each other, trying to read the other's expression.

"I wish I could be like you." He whispered adoringly. I looked at him, confused.

"I wish I could find hope, in the most hopeless situations." He said, pain washing over his features. He looked away, his shoulders tensing. "But I would rather you have that skill, than I." His gaze met mine again. He had no hope. He truly thought we would never see each other again.

"Carlisle." I whispered. His face fell with the mention of his name. _No hope…_

"After everything we've been through," I took his hand. "You still have no hope?" I smiled at him, hoping my words would give him what he needed.

His face became thoughtful, still searching my eyes for something.

"I have hope. For you." He whispered.

My heart filled with sadness._ Only Carlisle…_

He thought I will have a different future than him. That I will end up somewhere he is not. The thought terrified me to no end.

"I'm not leaving your side." I contradicted him, confidently.

His eyes became softer, turning to liquid. He looked like he could shed tears.

"I knew you would say that." He kissed my cheek and touched his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes, running my fingers through his hair. He knew I loved him more than anything, he knew how grateful I was for him, he knew these things. There would be times we wouldn't be side by side, but they wouldn't last forever. The Volturi would not be an exception to that.

"I promise." I whispered against his lips.

**A/N Okay, that was difficult! Sorry it took so long to get published! The missing moment from Eclipse will be posted as soon as possible! Thanks for reading! If you have time please review. Suggestions…*hint hint***


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